7: My world is on fire

The light has become too addicting and dangerous, my greatest fear has almost come to fruition.

The darkness is gone and I'm afraid my shadow has swallowed my soul.
I can barely get myself to: eat , sleep, write , read and even think.
The sun have come too close.
I'm no longer sure who I am or what my goal is any longer.

Is this the end or the beginning?

6: "the stone of apathy"

I haven't been feeling all right lately, in fact I was emotionally dead for a while.
That's why I haven't been writing anything recently.

When people think of depression, they automatically associate it with feeling sad and melancholic.

In my case this is false.
I fall into an abyss of nothingness.
Hard as I try, I cant feel anything.
I cant, read, listen to music, watch a movie and I definitely can't interact socially.
Writing becomes an impossible, I've just don't care about anything.
Total apathy lays over me like a heavy stone I don't have the the strength to lift off.
The stone crushes my spirit.

This how I experience depression, it's not like how the stereotype depressions I see in movies or read in books where they cry, cut them self and try to commit suicide.
I'd feel nothing it was as I barely existed.
Why should I kill myself or cause pain by cutting myself to feel alive, when I didn't care.
It was joyless and painless.
If there is a heaven and hell, I wouldn't be too scared about hell.
I's imagine an eternity of pain would be better than living without any emotion what so ever.

I got a new receipt for medication now, hopefully the apathy will not return.
An elixir that makes me break the stone of apathy.

"Five years since she left"

Five years since she left.
I can't leave my feelings aside anymore.Her lips felt like dancing flames on my lips.
I want to be burned again, but my heart is weak.My monastic lifestyle is tearing me apart.
Solitude until my heart has grown stronger is what I must endure.
Yesterday is all I have, tomorrow is light years away.Drugs cannot make me feel anything else than the painful memories that haunt me in my sleep, and every waking moment I see her smiling face.
When my journey ends, I'll either forget her or she'll be with me forever in my mind.
I don't even remember if it were I or if it were her that left.
What lies beyond the path I'm going down?
Maybe in five years time I'll know, I feel the path and I see the light in the horizon.
Hopefully it's her shining smile I see.
Just another five years...

4: "The lone wolf"

I often take long walks in the forest not only for the exercise, but it helps me to clear out the mind as I get into an inner monologue as I walk along in the paths of the wilderness.There's a unique tranquility when one is walking alone surrounded only by the wilderness.
As I was walking along, suddenly out of nowhere , a wolf appeared right in front of me.
I instantly froze as the white wolf where standing just a few yards away from me.
The wolf who looked weary and was white as snow, just sat down and looked me right in the eyes.

I stood there paralyzed by fear, feeling his gray eyes evaluating me.As time went by my fear started for some reason unknown to me to vanish.I felt like I no longer like I were a potential prey, but only a curiosity to be gawked at.I couldn't help but to stare back into his cold gray mesmerizing eyes.We both stood there like that what felt like several hours.
At one point it felt as we were trying to hypnotize each other.
The freezing cold was beginning to get to me and I just walked calmly away back to my cabin.
I took a look over my shoulder and saw to my relief that the wolf were walking in the opposite direction.
I have taken the same walk for years and never seen or heard any indication that there was wolves in the area.
It had to be a lone wolf gone astray from his pack.
A lone wolf just like me.

III: "The sun reveals a shadow"

There was a time when I was at the deepest of my depression, I would always sleep during the daytime and wake up at night.The darkness was my cover and my escape from facing myself and socializing.Now that the depressions has begun to fade away and I can manage to live in the daylight, I see myself clearer.But from the light of the sun reveals a shadow I don't quite recognize.
A shadow that whispers things that I were too afraid to even think about.
It frightens me sometimes with it's brutal honesty, I wonder if my shadow is a separate part of me , or if it's been a lingering part of myself that I have kept locked away for too long.

Second post "The sun has begun flaring up"

In all my life I've been: insecure ,depressed and social awkward all my life, but since I've started taking the medication I've agreed to take with some disdain, I've always thought my depressions and insecurities were a part of me, and to medicate them away would some how take away some small part of my personality.I no longer dread going out talking with other people, my feelings feels less inhibited and most important: I can communicate more truthfully and maybe I'm sounding a bit dramatic here, but I can bear my soul to the people I care the most for in the world: my family.
I'm a guy in my mid twenty's, whom have stumbled through life looking for myself and my ambition, I now have found my ambition to become a writer, as far as finding my true self....
that I consider a long and adventurous journey.

1st post: "Awakening the sun"

Greetings to all of you bloggers out there, I hope you will welcome me: a naive and unexperienced beginner into the tumultuous world of blogging.

I choose to go by the moniker of Timicin, it is the name of a character from the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation, like the character from the show I have reached an age(albeit being much younger) where my task in life is yet not fulfilled.
Through this blog I hope to in a sense aid and channel my thoughts, in order to achieve my goal.
Unlike the fictional Dr.Timicin quest to revitalize the sun of the Kaelon system, mine is less essential.My aim in life is to enliven myself and conjure up all my abilities and quality and awaken spiritually, revitalizing my metaphorical sun, as it were.