6: "the stone of apathy"

I haven't been feeling all right lately, in fact I was emotionally dead for a while.
That's why I haven't been writing anything recently.

When people think of depression, they automatically associate it with feeling sad and melancholic.

In my case this is false.
I fall into an abyss of nothingness.
Hard as I try, I cant feel anything.
I cant, read, listen to music, watch a movie and I definitely can't interact socially.
Writing becomes an impossible, I've just don't care about anything.
Total apathy lays over me like a heavy stone I don't have the the strength to lift off.
The stone crushes my spirit.

This how I experience depression, it's not like how the stereotype depressions I see in movies or read in books where they cry, cut them self and try to commit suicide.
I'd feel nothing it was as I barely existed.
Why should I kill myself or cause pain by cutting myself to feel alive, when I didn't care.
It was joyless and painless.
If there is a heaven and hell, I wouldn't be too scared about hell.
I's imagine an eternity of pain would be better than living without any emotion what so ever.

I got a new receipt for medication now, hopefully the apathy will not return.
An elixir that makes me break the stone of apathy.

"Five years since she left"

Five years since she left.
I can't leave my feelings aside anymore.Her lips felt like dancing flames on my lips.
I want to be burned again, but my heart is weak.My monastic lifestyle is tearing me apart.
Solitude until my heart has grown stronger is what I must endure.
Yesterday is all I have, tomorrow is light years away.Drugs cannot make me feel anything else than the painful memories that haunt me in my sleep, and every waking moment I see her smiling face.
When my journey ends, I'll either forget her or she'll be with me forever in my mind.
I don't even remember if it were I or if it were her that left.
What lies beyond the path I'm going down?
Maybe in five years time I'll know, I feel the path and I see the light in the horizon.
Hopefully it's her shining smile I see.
Just another five years...